Recently, one of our readers submitted the question: I feel left out when my friends hang out without me—how do I handle it? 

There are several ways to handle this sort of situation whether it’s processing your feelings, communicating with you friends or other methods which I’ll discuss in depth later. Many people, including myself, have felt like they’ve been left out once before. Imagine you’re next to your friends and they’re discussing plans they made without ever inviting you. They’re most likely unknowingly offending you, but they could be doing it on purpose. Either way, one thing is clear: your feelings are hurt.

Process Your Emotions and the Facts

Sometimes we all need a moment to slow down and contemplate a situation before casting judgement. For situations like this, you should acknowledge your own insecurities and negative emotions that your friends’ behavior makes you feel. For example, when I was planning something recently with my friends I discovered that they wouldn’t be able to attend since they would be going to another one of my friend’s birthday parties. When I heard this, I was initially upset because it made me feel excluded. However, I was able to process the information and considered the following facts:

• It was a very small birthday celebration
• I’m not super close with that friend like others invited were.

After acknowledging that, I wasn’t upset anymore but instead understanding and happily moved on from that situation.

Another contributing feeling in such a situation is jealousy. There are several different reasons why they might be unintentionally excluding you, and that ultimately leads to negative feelings. For example, maybe your friends are making plans without you because they’re going to do an activity they know you don’t enjoy, or maybe they’re hanging out with some people you don’t know or don’t even like. While this may be harsh, your friends have separate lives and can hang out with people other than you. Acknowledge that fact and reconsider your jealousy and how you may be overthinking or upsetting yourself.

Communicate Your Feelings

In spite of all that, sometimes processing your own emotions isn’t enough. If your friends continue to exclude you and strain your friendship, it’s necessary to communicate with them. Think through what you wish to say so you can explain your feelings effectively, and be engaged and actively listen to your friend as they explain their own perspective. Many people are hesitant to even consider communicating frustrations out of fear of making it seem as though they’re ‘attacking’ their friend. Even so, if your friend realizes they’ve upset you, it’s likely they’ll be apologetic and correct their behavior once you’ve brought it to their attention. 

Knowing When to Call It Quits

However, if your friends continue to exclude and hurt you by doing so, then it’s completely reasonable to go separate ways. Ending friendships is an insanely difficult task, especially when it comes to people you used to be close with or have known for a long time. Regardless, being friends with someone for a long time doesn’t automatically dismiss their behavior especially if they’re hurting you on purpose. After all, friends are supposed to be there for you, but if they can’t, then it might be necessary for you to make that cut to ensure the best for you and your mental state. When it gets to that point, I recommend talking to the person face to face and explaining why you no longer wish to be associated with them in order to have closure. I know that this is an incredibly difficult step and situation to experience, but it will ultimately be the best choice instead of continuing a painful friendship.

In general, friendships are some of the most important relationships we ever have with other people. There can be difficult times when it comes to experiencing exclusion and the negative feelings associated with it, but rest assured that a true friend wouldn’t wish to hurt you or would change that harmful behavior. If that’s not the case, then a last resort of cutting that friend off might be necessary as well. Whether it’s a tiny issue or a huge one, do whatever is best for you and your mental health: It’ll all work out eventually.