Seasonal affective disorder (or SAD) is a subtype of major depressive disorder that is as the name suggests: seasonal. This means that around the same time of the year, a person will become depressed. Usually, it affects people around the winter or fall months, when the weather gets cold and the sky gets gloomy, but that’s never been the case for me. Every year when summer rolls around, instead of getting pumped for warm weather or three months without school, I get severely depressed. Whoopie. 

Now, before going into my experiences with summer depression, I think it’s best to first go into a further explanation of what exactly SAD is, specifically spring or summer SAD. Funny enough, it’s actually called ‘Reverse SAD’ due to how it defies the usual fall or winter pattern of depression. According to the Mayo Clinic, its symptoms include insomnia, poor appetite, weight loss, anxiety and increased irritability. It’s most common due to the extreme heat affecting mood and how summer can disrupt the body’s circadian rhythm. There have also been cases due to body image concerns that present in the months where going to the pool or beach in a bathing suit is the norm. SAD has no official cure all or pill to swallow to stop it from rearing its dark ugly head into people’s lives whenever the season changes, so it can seriously affect a person’s life even beyond the summer months. And boy did it affect mine. 

I’ve struggled with depression since I was a wee middle schooler dealing with the required identity crisis every young pubescent teen has to go through. And when my parents divorced in my freshman year of high school, the struggle only got worse. Two summers ago, my symptoms were much more manageable. It was the first summer since my parents’ divorce and I was more focused on figuring out custody schedules and finding the energy to wake up in the morning after constant all-nighters than on having a very needed mental breakdown. By the time I was ready to have that mental breakdown, my sophomore year had started and most of my symptoms had leveled out now that my only sense of normalcy was back. School for me has always been more comforting than summer, and there’s a reason for that. Along with depression, I also have autism, so a sense of routine and structure is crucial to my mental wellbeing. Losing that once every year has always sucked, but last summer was the worst by far. You see dear reader, I finally experienced what can be called a breaking point. I became obsessed with having a sense of control over my life and turned all of that energy into scrutinizing my appearance. To avoid triggering anyone, I won’t go into much detail, but I will say that from summer to the second quarter of my junior year, I was stuck in the darkest corner of my mind and almost died because of it. It quite literally took my heart and body almost giving out on me from extreme physical and mental stress to finally admit that I was not okay and ask for help. It took lots of hard work, tears, and four months in a hospital program for kids like me, but I finally have found myself in a genuinely good place.  I consider myself extremely lucky to have been given that chance, and I don’t intend to waste it. 

Summer is on the horizon yet again, and armed with a sparkly new prescription for depression and a sense of joy and whimsy, I plan on fighting back. This year, instead of letting life beat me down, I intend to keep myself busy and happy. Getting a job has been the first step on my list, so that even without school and assignments, I’ll still be getting to do work and have a sense of purpose. (The money and job experience is a welcome bonus). I’ve made a resume, researched the age requirements for the places I’m interested in and even gotten Food Handler Certified to make sure any Starbucks would be happy to have me. I also got my driver’s permit this year. Now, am I terrified of driving? Yes. Do I intend to let that stop me? Only a little. Regardless, I will be spending this summer on the road and honing this only recently legal skill. The same goes for skateboarding. No longer will my board just be a decorative item in my room. This summer, I will learn how to ride it and live my wild coming-of-age dream. Also, I finally got into gaming. My favorite is “Twisted-Wonderland” a popular Japanese Disney game, and while I may be stuck on Book Six now, take my word that I will be dedicating my free time onwards to clearing it. These are only a few of the many ideas I’ve come up with to make this summer better than any of them so far. 

Seasonal depression sucks. I mean it really sucks. It can make life feel like too much at the smallest inconvenience and completely take the joy out of what should be a three month paradise of doing everything you want. I’m not a good enough person to say I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, but I’d never wish it on the people I love. Depression itself is a major problem that is too often ignored due to how dramatized the media has made it. A person can be one of the most energetic and happy people you know and be severely depressed. I know that’s how I looked to the rest of the world when I was falling apart. But if the past few months have taught me anything, it’s that falling apart doesn’t mean I can’t be put back together. And this summer? I’m actually looking forward to for the first time in years.