When does someone actually stop feeling like a kid? People talk about growing up like there’s a certain age or moment where everything just clicks, but I haven’t felt that yet. On the outside, I know I’m getting older. School is getting harder, expectations are growing and classmates are talking more about their future. On the inside, I still feel like a child trying to figure things out one day at a time. It’s a strange feeling, realizing that life is moving forward whether I’m ready for it or not. It’s like I’m stuck between who I used to be and who I’m supposed to become and I’m still learning how to exist in that space.
Growing up doesn’t feel the way I thought it would. Getting older isn’t the scariest part, it’s feeling like you’re stuck between two versions of yourself. People talk about plans and goals like I’m supposed to have everything figured out already when in reality I still feel like a kid. There are moments where I still catch myself laughing at the most random things, overthinking small situations and not always knowing what I’m doing. That in-between space is hard to explain but it’s something I experience more and more as I get older. It’s confusing to feel like I’m moving forward in life while also feeling like I haven’t fully caught up yet.
A lot of that feeling comes from the pressure to have everything figured out. The pressure doesn’t always show up in obvious ways, but it’s always there in the background. It shows up in conversations about the future, in the way people start treating you differently and in the feeling that you’re supposed to already have a direction in life. Sometimes pressure doesn’t even come from other people, it comes from me. I start to feel like I should have a clear vision of what I want my future to look like, but to be honest I’m still trying to figure out who I am, what I like and what actually feels right for me.
Sometimes I think the hardest part of growing up is feeling like you’re supposed to leave childhood behind completely. Even with all that pressure, there are still parts of me that feel exactly the same as they always have. I still enjoy being carefree sometimes, still find excitement in small things and still feel comforted by moments that remind me of my childhood. In a way, I hold onto those moments because they feel reassuring during a time when everything else feels uncertain. These times make me realize that growing up isn’t really about becoming a different person. It’s more about learning how to carry those younger parts of yourself with you while everything else changes.
I wonder if this feeling ever completely goes away or if growing up always feels a little uncertain no matter how old you get. I don’t think people talk about how weird this stage of life actually feels. Right now, it constantly feels like I’m constantly adjusting, trying to understand who I am while also becoming someone new at the same time. Some days I feel confident and other days I feel unsure of myself again. I think that’s what makes this stage of life so strange. It’s like I’m somewhere in between childhood and adulthood without really knowing where I fit yet. Everything is changing, but not always in ways I fully understand yet.
I don’t really think growing up is something that you suddenly finish. It’s more like slowly changing while still holding onto parts of who you were before. Even with more responsibilities and expectations during senior year, there will still be parts of me that feel young and unprepared for everything ahead. And maybe that’s okay. I feel like many kids my age are going through the same thing, even if they don’t say it. We’re all just trying to figure out how to grow ourselves at our own pace.
